Life, Universe and Everything Else

Me Anna Too!!

2011-08-24T10:18:00.000-07:00

Three score and six years ago almost to the day, an allegorical novel was written about how pigs took over a farm from humans to govern themselves and slowly they changed. What George Orwell described is an essential truth of human life. Humans need pain misery and everything else in that category to live their life, remember the extremely convoluted speech of the architect in Matrix revolutions, the one with words like ‘ergo’? Exactly!!

We elect a bunch of representatives periodically to manage the day to day operations of our country and our country’s founders established a constitution as a framework for sustaining our way of life. Somewhere along the way the ‘pigs’ forgot the ‘for’, ‘of’ and ‘by’ the people logic of a democracy. There have been debates if the Anna is holding the democracy hostage, the govt. claims that the present revolution’s expectation is in violation of the constitution.

While I am no constitutional or legal expert, I feel that constitution along with prevailing moral code are processes that the elected representatives need to abide by, while the owners (people) need to follow them too but in extraordinary the owners can come together to change them. While Anna has the demonstrated support of at least a few million people the ‘(S)ingh parivaar’ has only 552 plus their associates as supporters; rest of the Indians by keeping quiet can be considered as fence sitters, by this logic Anna wins by a land slide.

Of course one can argue on technicalities like if the higher judiciary and PM came under the lokpal, the lokpal will be bigger than both! But I feel that’s too simplistic a view, if a lokpal focuses only on corruption related aspects and if there are certain procedures implemented to manage how the higher judiciary and PM are handled when they are still in office then there is no need for them to be exempted. In US both Nixon and Clinton came close to impeachment, Nixon even had to resign. Why should our PM be exempt?

The best part about this outpouring of support is its truly genuine nature, unlike the usually mockery of justice that we see this time the fate sided with the common folk to prevent all attempts to malign it. We had congress spokesperson helping the cause by trying to tarnish Anna’s character, his army record, etc. which backfired. We had the illustrious yoga guru try to capture headlines which backfired faster than one kapalbhati cycle, he is now trying to protect his quarter of billion dollar yoga/ayurved empire! Sri Sri ended up having to justify that while he himself doesn’t own even a car his ashram had capability to host few hundred people and their 25^th anniversary was being celebrated in Berlin! Its almost like the stars are aligned towards honesty and they won’t tolerate corruption or enven people trying to milk the situation.

To express solidarity to the cause and also see the mass outpouring, I went to freedom park in Bangalore, It was a unique site where people came of their own accord painted their face with the tricolor shared their thoughts and decried corruption by sloganeering. People were pouring in groups and consisted majority of young people. I hope it was only cause they were more enthusiastic rather than the older people not supporting the cause as they felt they could get their job done (either side) without corruption! I will do my bit to bring down corruption by not giving bribes so while Anna fights to bring in an enforcement law for the same. Anna all the way!!

Animal Farm

2011-08-02T12:23:00.000-07:00

Every city bred person (well most) have this fascination for country life, running streams, vegetation, mountains, farms, clean air, you get the point. I had my visions rolling hills, coffee plantations, snaking pepper wines, great big trees and lots of greenery. So when the opportunity presented itself in form of a overnight trip to mudigere to a friend’s plantation deep south in Karnataka, I and another friend jumped at it.

We set off on a gorgeous Saturday after a hearty SLV breakfast, armed with a tooth brush and an excellent bottle of well Scottish Scotch! We rolled, we talked, and we rolled up and down the rolling Mangalore highway in the friend’s Scorpio. I guess all the rolling was the suspension of the SUV rather than real rolling, you get the point. Being with a nature loving friend has its advantages as we stopped on the way to pay homage to a unique tree that had been the nesting grounds of vultures being felled for widening the highway, who would have thought? We stopped for a chai and then for oota (that’s food in Kannada) before we got off the highway to head off into snaking small roads.

The ride was nothing short of test of all four the driver, the driven, driven in and driven upon; even with my height advantage, I was just shy of touching the roof quite a few times. Well one thing is for certain that my city car would not have survived this trip. So finally we reached, the outskirts of the village and stopped for ‘shopping’, I thought it was a bit odd since we already had the toothbrush but I soon realized we were buying food by the truckloads of biscuits, loaves of bread, buns, etc. I was too much in a happy state to question or think.

We reached the farm, a dirt track led to a gate, we passed though to arrive at this brightly painted farm house and as we opened the car door my friend was greeted by a bunch of paws and lot of whining, I stayed put in the car till the excitement died down a bit and then got out to see three diverse ones, one named camel (the brownish one) in Kannada, the other a bitch named rani (black) and third another bitch (just 3 months old) Mudhol hound called lightening (white) in Kannada, this motley crowd was totally enthralled by their master arriving all of a sudden. Soon the packets of biscuits started disappearing; the clean air of the farm seems to have been invigorating as the dogs just wouldn’t stop eating!

After taking stock of various things in and around the farm we sat down outside the house just resting and chatting, next thing to happen was lot of mooing and jingling bells and out came a couple of cows and calves, then the whole loaves of bread disappeared (that’s what they were for!). Did I tell you that there a 10 hens clucking around in arbitrary desperation? After all the animal husbandry our host got down to the serious art of cooking a dinner, he did a damn good job with it too. After a few drinks and the dinner we moved to more usual useless discussions around life, money and women (in that order) and as we are all aware they tend to go downhill pretty quickly. It’s odd that for something that actually triggers such pensive topics it hardly helps keep the cognition required in control. For example I had delusions that I could train the dogs to sit by offering them incentives of biscuits, for a while it did seem to work, but I am just thinking that the dogs figured out that if they touched their butts to the ground I would offer them a biscuit … hmmm stupid humans!

So we had a midnight stroll and finally crashed, got up to a splitting hangover of epic proportions, we took a stroll through the farm and around the paddy field hoping that at each step our foot came back with our footwear and nothing but the footwear! Host was gracious enough to make great upma for breakfast and after shutting down things we made a move back to Bangalore.

As we headed out the entire animal farm seemed to be saddened and was making all kinds of noises hopefully they were missing their master and not suffering from upset stomachs (with all the biscuits and bread). As we started driving back with a heavy heart and heavier head we wondered if all the bugs, clean air, fresh food, animal friends and jack fruit trees would make us move out of our cities and move back to the farms … de-evolve? … No way!

I am home and it’s..hmm....more gay!

2011-03-09T10:49:00.000-08:00

Ahem, I meant metro sexual! After a gap of few years I returned to NYC, it's one of that cities that immediately gives me a feeling of being at home, I get that when I am in Mumbai too! I know you are thinking it's the love of the stench or rats or people or all of it, but the other cities that gave me that feeling were London to some extent and Tokyo, Tokyo even had a banner saying welcome back, and Tokyo is very clean. May be it's got something to do with lots of people being packed into an old mass transit system or may be just the energy of people desperately trying to ignore each other. Cities like Delhi do not have that, there you get the constant feeling that no one is ignoring you, many are judging you and the most are trying to think of ways of screwing you.

Anyway moving back to one of the greatest cities that believe in letting you live your life. NYC is always cutting edge as far as US is concerned and when you see its buildings, people, infrastructure you can very easily attach superlatives like tallest, smelliest, most crowded, most fashionable, richest, costliest, weirdest, etc,. I came in on a cold snow-covered Sunday into JFK and took a taxi to Jersey City, the ride to Manhattan took 25 minutes (about 20 miles) and last 5 miles of city and tunnel took 45 more minutes. The taxi driver an elderly American broke every written and unwritten rule to get me to my hotel, maybe that's another link to the 'home' cities …mad cabbies!

I love walking through the streets of the city and watching the sheer wealth and power hidden in those buildings, walking through the Times Square which they have now completely made a tourist attraction with chairs, elevated platforms and HD displays. The other place that I love walking through is under the constellations of the grand central station, its New York cheese cake serving concourse and of course the fifth avenue it gives you the pulse of the fashion, changing times and unchanging times all at once. The unchanging ones are the Rockefeller Center ice rink, Saks on fifth, the string of designer shops, Crowne Plaza Hotel at the base of Central park and the changing ones like the arrival of upstart jewelers, Best-buy and the ownership of Crowne Plaza hotel. My favorite buildings on the fifth are the St. Patrick's cathedral, the crown building (home of playboy) and now the glass cube of the apple store.

The thing that struck me this time was the overall impression left by the New Yorkers, not the tourist or new migrants is that they have started to look more feminine. The briefcases have become hand bags, the umbrella styles, the high strung twangy girly speech that you see on so many TV shows.... It's reality. The clothes are too fashionable ... body contoured shirts, jackets trousers 'slim look' as they are known. The other thing is everyone’s carrying a brown paper bag at all times... not sure it’s for snack or panic attacks though and well women, fortunately are looking even more feminine, I wish the Indian ladies would take some hints on that :)

I saw a similar trend in Tokyo too, it's like the big city men are frustrated with fashion being a feminine word and are getting back with their own versions of it. With the guys wearing layers of colorful clothing, sporting hats, chains on their belts, clutch type wallets and the works. In US the music and pop culture is not helping either the rock music, metal and grunge are gone , all we hear now are Katy Perry with Snoop Dogg doing a feat in California girls and Akon singing in his not so masculine voice, the only male amongst them seems to be the ironically named Lady Gaga! Hollywood too has been left in the arms of ageing Denzil Washington to stop trains, while rest of it is stuck on asexual aliens, rom-coms, and all other comedy is relegated to booze infused men caught in some sort of overtly gay situations.

With the much prophesied end of the world next year we will seemingly be left with women, some more so than the others. How will New York survive?

Lady luck Shines!

2011-03-09T10:29:00.001-08:00

I know the title will cause a stir but let me get the story out first then decide where it stands. I have always believed that life has a sense of humor and it just needs a bit of observation and interpretation to see it. Or maybe it's just that one needs a sense of humor to see life in a different light. I personally go with the first as I strongly believe a meta-intelligence is in operation, not necessarily cognizant or caring for the individual but in operation nevertheless. Well you are reading my blog so you might as well go with this conspiracy theory for now!

Coming back to the story, it begins with my monthly astrological outlook for Jan/Feb; the forecast claimed that it would be a string of 'hot' dates literally for the single, especially with love and social parts of my chart being lit up by like Diwali! Oooh! It even ventured to say that after a very difficult couple of years things were on easy street with all guns firing in the right way (of course), I had goose-bumps just thinking about it!

Finally the lady luck shines! May be the stars will make me look cooler probably like a rock start to the ladies (may have watched too many axe ads); so as prophesized the year starts with a bang, I tag along with a buddy for a new year’s party, it's a kind of party that one has heard off from a friend who knows a friend who got invited! So armed with my powerful star power I walk in almost with a swagger and a strut... new player in town! And as one would have it it was an amazing party with girls, music and booze right out of a Bollywood set. The ladies were dancing to the bollywood numbers and the guys watching in a stupor, good start is what I thought … maybe my swagger will score next time.

The forecast continued with more blistering dates being highlighted and dates where I would be pampered and so on. Lovely I thought and kept the swagger on and the sequence continued, got cute hairdresser to cut my hair, a mind blowing masseuse, dropped several grand in shopping for trousers, shirts, shoes, couple of more good parties happened. Had friends visiting from distant lands and even undertook trips to not so distant lands.

The forecasts continued into February and I found myself hosting relatives, but those were the good kind the ones that thought that since I was single and living alone I deserve to be fed on good home cooked meals (which they cooked) and fattened up, yum! I even hosted couple of 'nice' (understatement used to avoid embarrassing them) lady friends who also decided I need to be fed! Yeah I know' tell me about it.

With Feb moving into March it got me thinking and it finally sunk in that I was being played on by the stars, social meant friends & relatives not wild parties, pampered so long as I pay for it, hot meant I will get to ‘see’ action in the literal sense of the word. To cut the pain short the lady luck came at a price and these days I can't blame my stars for sending a bill along with their services! More importantly the words lady luck meant just that, my mistake of associating more meanings to them!

A French town, highway, City car, iddiappams and other oxymorons

2011-01-28T22:34:00.001-08:00

Having heard of Pondicherry as a quaint French colony, well I imagined up the quaint part. So when the opportunity presented itself I grabbed it, friends both recently back from france too i guess wanted a flash back. Took my brand spanking new car and drove off into the sunrise. Cautious 80kph became a regular 100kph and even 140kph when possible, ah this is going to be fun. As we got of the NH to the state highway we started seeing the first cracks on the highway, the cracks started widening into erosions and soon we were tiptoeing around moon craters in my fancy city car at a mind bending 20kph!! The whole drive to pondi took a back breaking 8 hours for 300 km! Apart from roads tamillians also do not believe in street side food and the drive had nothing to eat or rest at.

I strongly believe that like all humans we too love food, and evey region has smashing good food too, the only question is if we love family cooked food or other family cooked food that drives the existence or the lack of dhabas. The other thing that seems to have come out strongly in my travels is as you head out of the cities taxi/rikshawalls become more loutish, not sure if taxi/rickshas are organised business for the ethically challenged.

As we drove into Pondicherry I keep looking around thinking probably the highway authority also got the signs wrong and we are in some nearby township, the place was like any other small Indian town well it was a small town period. With the typical scene of loutish rikshawalls standing in a huddle discussing inflation and root vegetable prices, chaotic traffic and we seemed to always have to go nere (that's not French that's Tamil for straight). Have you ever noticed why people seem to get lost and yet don't in india? The answer always is go straight except you had to turn when you didn't ask, I am dead sure that this is symptomatic of a bigger sub conscious pattern in human evolution just can't put a finger on it.

After asking around for directions to go straight we reached the French quaint town, it was like we had walked into a village fair, crowds milling around a windy board walk with raging bay of Bengal and hawkers selling local version of bhel and few crumbling French buildings converted to guest houses. The entire stretch was a kilometre wide by half a kilometre deep, of course they had French street names rue de sarcouf (er...) Dumas and gubert ave etc. There as the standard French notre dame inspired church and a crumbling mansion.

Indians have a great assimilation skill .... resistance is futile you shall be assimilated. That's what we do to everything, in misplaced jingoism oops nationalism we put a great big Mahatma Gandhi's statue facing the old French quarter to remind ourselves and the old building who the big daddy was. I agree that he came he woke us up, brought us together and lead us to kick out foreign rulers and get our own but that is no excuse to put up out of place statues. As i said we don't leave anything a cafe (le cafe) in the French sector on the beach with the Riviera architecture selling samosas.

Nature doesn't give a damn about us and irrespective of what we do does it's own thing. In this case it decided to dump one of the most awesome wave beaches in india on this undeserving bunch of ingrates. There in the milling crowds were a lot of foreigners mostly the low budget travelling beach bums but our reverence of the fair skin has them in raptures of us and our seemingly unending friendliness. We are the last bastion for the remaining flower-power followers i guess.

We wanted to stay on the beach front and tried quite a few beachside hostels some run by the aurobindo foundation but what we concluded was that our skin was not fair enough, tree seem to be lot of availability as many rooms looked obviously empty but we were told no vacancy. We went around looking for French food we even risked the car into unnatural roads to reach the famous auroville in search but all we found was an Italian joint which in true Italian style was run by a zesty food lover. The food was brilliant and the tiramisu & chocolate ice cream were some of the best I have ever had! Rest of the time we ate south Indian thalis and iddiappams ... Good stuff but what a let down! Sigh!

The road back was not only tainted by the bad road but also by the let down. We friends rescued each other and had we remembered that a pizza, wine and a french movie would have taken us lot closer to Paris and back!

God must be an Indian

2010-09-22T12:39:00.000-07:00

Americans get their kicks from six flags parks and its vertical drop roller-coasters in the comfort of the knowledge that their restraints and the security devices will hold them. Ah! Then there is bungee jumping and parachuting down a stunt aircraft, of course there is also eating raw meats and scuba diving with the sharks, ya what’s up with that?

Well ain’t we lucky we get kicked day in day out even if we didn’t feel like it, all one has to do is be an Indian! I strongly feel that we Indians are never more than 6 feet from god both horizontally and vertically! You may ask why not 5 or 7 feet, why only 6 and all I will say in my zen is stronger than yours and it seemed like a good even number.

Any way I get distracted easily, our adventures come in all shapes and sizes and most have differing number of wheels. My favorite ones are the ones that have three wheels; they have the most potent capability to bring you closer to god. Potholes, speed-breakers, traffic rules, traffic and passenger’s life are all thrown to the winds. If you go by the theory that it is our belief that gives god his power then you can guess the strength a billion people remembering, thanking god after safely alighting out of the ubiquitous tripod.

God probably runs a 24x7x365 operation to keep the wheels on our country running, he probably cloned himself 330 Million times to handle our population but we beat him alright … who’s your daddy now eh? The near clockwork misses between life and death is proof of the operations. The question that arises is, are these operations efficient, I mean what if god too was as fallible as er … an Indian? I know it sounds blasphemous, I am spiritual and all that but just may be he/she is fallible … but on the other hand the fact that this country runs is proof positive that he exists and is trying!

Freakishly crazy storm his US and couple of people end up dead while we lose more than 10 times that cause some driver was driving a rickety bus at 41kph instead of 40! It does seem that god is unable to keep up with protecting all our population or probably he’s just found a more efficient way to do away with the lot … get them on a bus! Of course it’s also possible and more likely that only with divine grace did the bus run all this time in the first place with all the bad quality manufacturing, parts and lack of maintenance that we live with.

Look at the mess we create for ourselves, CWG! Need I say more? Not only do we tolerate a shoddy job and listen to really stupid excuses and irresponsible comments but we actually expect that our super corrupt politicians & babus will be put to shame and resign just because of some newspaper reports! Gods probably trying to make things as bad as he can for us to force us out of our stupor without hurting us too much so all he is doing is flood Yamuna (I never thought it ever did after Dwapara yuga!), spread dengue… etc.. but not actually make us select the couple that will go on the arc….

We all have heard the story where a drowning man refuses to be rescued by a log, a makeshift barge and a boat saying god will save him, and after he dies god tells him, “what else did you want … sent u a log, a barge and even a boat”…..I guess that’s us!

Infuriating Candle Stand Illusion

2010-07-20T11:20:00.000-07:00

Life is funny that way, and there is something wrong with it, can’t say if it’s just something wrong or something terribly wrong. It has this feeling that the answer to it all is either staring at you like the picture of a candle stand becoming two faces or the answer is hiding behind the sofa, personally I hate the candle stand picture, took far too much time to realize what I was looking at so I tend to believe it is hiding behind the sofa along with all the lost pens and all the dust, content in its belief that you are never going to move the sofa to clean behind it.

I don’t know about you but I have this strong feeling that there is a pattern, plan and even a logic in everything that explains all this madness of what is happening and is yet to happen and it’s all pretty obvious when you are able to see it but all I see is a candle stand. And it’s not a particularly beautiful candle stand either, one can argue that ‘evolved’ people take years of … well evolution before they are able to see it and what they see they are unable to describe in any known words or simple choose that the others discover it themselves.

You have the ancients describe it using all possible cryptic oxymoron as within, without, here and nowhere, endless, nothingness, etc. but I personally tend to believe it’s got to be something really stupid like a joke or something or even a science experiment, setup some energy-mass transformation rules and limits and wunderbar everyone is amazed by how it all started clumping together into something so inexplicably bizarre & unique. It even sprouted its own intelligence and rules of how to clump together and make more clumps and other general ruckus. I can’t help but quote Douglas Adams here “There is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened.” I totally agree and every time these evolved people look behind their sofas they just screw us a bit more then when we started off.

The clumped matter probably is not meant to find out the true nature of why it clumped in the first place and the designers probably ensure things got obfuscated when the realization was reached, like a trapdoor being triggered and the evolved clumps suddenly cannot articulate what they saw like a hallucinogenic dream in complex colors which men can’t identify or driving which women cannot explain (sorry couldn’t help but make the stereotyping crack). It reminds me of another author Issac Asimov and his series (Foundation series) where the protagonists chase their evolution across the galaxies in 4-5 thick books to find an answering machine on the moon apologizing for all the fuss and the fact that the original people who recorded the message couldn’t live long enough to apologize in person.

I just wish that I am proved wrong and that there is some serious business behind all this chaos, I am ok even if it may be that we are simply the lab guinea pigs used to investigate something of importance, but my sneaky suspicion is that all the answer will say is “we apologise for the inconvenience” - D. Adams again

Tokyo Lights

2010-06-25T19:01:00.001-07:00

I love Japan, yes its official! It has its problems like you can’t blame trains or traffic for your delays, or lack of a tour package for not seeing the country, or the lack of muggers for not partying late into the night. The shared planetary memory of crowded, expensive, earthquake prone place, non-English speaking natives and the Hollywood portrayal of nasty Japanese businesses has hidden this jewel from all of us. Not to mention the crummy acting of Joy Mukherjee and over acting of Asha Parekh in the only movie we made in Japan.

Move over Bangkok, Singapore, UK, US, Canada, Aus or whatever else, we have rediscovered Shangri-La and it isn’t in Chinese section of Himalayas. It has its silly problems with peoples, egos, and the strict following of rules (the country will break into anarchy if the rule book is stolen) and their uncanny ability to see through you as if you didn’t exist, but every country has something similar don’t they?

Show me a place where your lost wallet comes back to you untouched? Or where you can leave your bag in a Friday night crowded bar and not worry about its contents or people leaving their iPhones on the restaurant tables as a placeholder. A country where unaccompanied women can walk at 2-3am in the morning without even thinking twice, while wearing miniskirts and stilettos (yes I had to mention the ladies). Or a land where stupid is a serious swear word! And the country side is every bit as picturesque as the post cards. For being the most populous city on the planet Tokyo doesn’t even come close to the population ‘show’ and problems that a Mumbai or Delhi do, there are only a few places where you see crowds like you do in our cities and believe me they are not maddening.

As for the expensiveness, yes it is but the quality is as good as the price you are paying and there is no getting around that, they just don’t expect anything done badly whether its food, clothes, electronics or anything else made in Japan. Yes we Indians (most of us) take them for a ride with the Indian food joints serving some crappy fare that was cooked a year back and frozen and microwaved till the end of the century or till the last drop is over whichever is earlier. Who knows how a curry tastes like anyways right worst case add some garam masala.... hmm maybe that’s what it was invented for?!?

I strongly feel that this country should not change into a English speaking McDonalds guzzling oversized diabetics, but unfortunately it looks like it is inevitable. The close to natural form of cooking food may be soon lost, raw proteins, simple carbs (sushi, sashimi) or cooked with veggies, seaweed cooked in water and not oil. Use of natural elements like bamboo (food, mats, furniture), all the great manners and the use of water in the loos and not paper!

The other day while travelling to a nearby temple town (yes they have tons of those) and i saw kids (tiny tots) carrying their own bags with their stuff in it and when one of them wanted to see out of the train window the kid removed his shoes and his dad then stood him on the seat to watch!! When I think of the culture shock that i got looking at this place and how positive it was I just try and imagine the poor Japanese first time traveler’s culture shock when he meets the world!

There’s nothing floating in my soup!!

2010-05-16T06:09:00.001-07:00

Ordering food at a restaurant is usually a challenge with me, not because of any special dietary requirements but because I am like the kid who wanted something else after getting one thing. Ironies of life never end, anyways I stray… But being in a foreign country can elevate the challenge to completely new level as I soon started to discover. I had felt it would be rather easy for me after all I had eaten sushi, tempura, sashimi, and my kung fu with chopsticks was not brilliant but I could hold a piece of chicken while I took a bite of it or even eat rice with it.

There obviously are the omnipotent restaurants called Bombay or Italian ristorante & trattorias , French bistros & café, and Chinese .. well noodle house (?) or whatever they are called along with the ubiquitous American McDs, KFCs and Subways. I even got myself ready with few additional words, udon (white noodles), Soba (buckwheat noodles), gohan (rice), Tori (chicken), sakane (fish), yasai (vegetables), bifu and proku are obivious while nikku is meat and hai is yes, nashi is no or don’t add. So for no meat you would say nikku nashi, simple right?

The problem with Japanese is that they do everything with a lot of dedication, be it the quality of food or the way they speak or act to differentiate their place from others, you could deprive me of sleep for two days then allow me to fall asleep and wake me up 15 minutes later to hear a recorded voice and I could tell you without opening my eyes that it’s the subway sandwich maker from Aoyama twin building! They are very generous with their Japanese, all off the staff will greet when a new customer comes in, they confirm your order, they will tell you how much money you paid and then how much change is due to you and they will all politely thank you and wish you will come back when you leave! It is so much Japanese that it is not even funny.

The good news though is they all have wax food displays kept out or pictures so you essentially know how your food will look, so first problem solved you point noodle or rice looking thing on the menu and then say bifu nashi, cool but can it be that simple? We did the problem and the good news but before we get on with the story we need to do a funny thing too right? Here it is, they speak to you in fluent Japanese (I am assuming) …… ok that was not the funny thing I promised; they speak to you in normal speed Japanese like they knew you from diapers, even when they can clearly see that I am not a Japanese and that I am actually pointing a figure at the picture on the menu and staring at them blankly… not sure if they want me to realize that I am missing speaking the most pleasurable language on the planet or that they are simply rude or daft!

Anyways I completely ignore her and point my finger in the general direction of noodle and tell her ‘bifu nashi’, then some more Japanese comes my way, I smile, she circles the picture with her finger, the noodles and associated bowls looks like they form a set, I say ‘Hai’, I point at the bowl she seems to have consciously missed, she says ‘tori’ (chicken .. that’s great), I nod my head… mistake, some more Japanese and she walks of and comes back with some bowls, not only is the pointed bowl missing but so is the meat from everything. Japanese value addition I get noodles in a spicy broth with some bean sprouts floating with plain boiled rice with sea weed on top all the fun stuff gone! I drown my English along with my disappointment in the soup, and eat my noodles pay and leave; good part is no one tips in Japan so thankfully no insult to injury.

Japanese custom demands you eat plain boiled rice served with the main dish separately as an accompaniment, no mixing that too to be eaten by chopsticks … ya tell me about it. So using chopsticks slowly becomes second nature, it’s like the Saholin training you can’t sit chasing rice, grain by grain with a chopsticks in a 45 minutes lunchtime! First comes the spearing technique, it’s not good ‘manneru’, then you graduate to using them as shovels, amateurish, and then comes nirvana. But my theory is they don’t mix the main course with the rice as the sauces/gravy from the main dish makes the rice soggy and breaks its stickiness (now I want to see a Japanese eat this rice in 45minutes), of course you could have argued they could have just used or invented a spoon or simply eat by hand. But it’s akin to Greeks/Romans not being able to figure out a zero and making their building entrances wider and wider to handle the digits! It takes an Indian to figure out a zero and that a hand can actually be used to catch, clean, cook and even eat food … they have dedication we have logic!

Yakitori Nights

2010-05-05T04:28:00.001-07:00

For a while I was starting to believe I was cursed to haunt the streets of Gurgaon, and the drastic change of scenery to Tokyo was a welcome relief, of course I continue to live out of a suitcase but for once even the suitcase is enjoying itself. Japan provides visiting Asians various levels of awe and shamefulness, if you thought all that bowing was just movies then you are wrong, it still happens and in copious quantities and everybody is referred to by their name and suffix ‘san’ (our ‘ji’) and unlike our north Indian friends they really mean and act the graciousness of the language!

Like the mysterious Bermuda triangle Japan lies in its own triangle of idealness and everything here is gracious, detailed oriented and abhors bad quality. The kids are shockingly well behaved, the weather turns lightly bad during the weekdays and it becomes gorgeous over the weekends and holidays, people match the weather by wearing grey and black on the weekdays and transition to pastels (west would definitely declare them gay)! And everyone here is dressed immaculately with layers, colours , bags, shoes and styling gels, damn where do they hide their poor?

Universally a crow is known to have a shrill crowing in the ‘Ka-ka’ there are sufficient hidden ‘r’s but not here, here they can lull you to sleep! The dogs are designer, I almost thought these were the newest Honda Aibo robot with fur and all they don’t bark, they complement and fit well in the Louis Vuitton (LV is rage here women take loans to buy them) bags and if something happens that make them bark then they immediately bow their heads in shame for having done so.

I guess having a disease here is foreign, their food is healthy, bland and they don’t even know what diabetes is! I couldn’t find sugar substitutes even in Starbucks!! But whatever little they made in sugar free they took it to the next level … Asahi Beer Zero! Oh Alcohol here is plentiful, and the Japanese quality makes their whiskey, beer as good as the Scots make their scotch or Belgians make their beer! Their cuisine is fun to eat, restaurants aplenty and fortunately they eat the same set of animals as most Indians do which makes it a treat to eat anywhere in Japan.

The language is complex though, over engineered like everything else, adopted Chinese symbols (kanji), a script (hiragana) for writing natively Japanese stuff and a script for writing imported stuff (katakana) all used in the same sentence … go figure! But this has its hilarious moments in translations; like most Indian languages Japanese is a subject-object-verb (SOV) language while English is (SVO subject-verb-object) and unlike our 200+ years of colonization, English is here is brand new! Not that we don’t screw up but it’s funnier here; oh and by the way they sound south Indian sometimes … biru (beer), taberu (table). Now you also know why you don’t hear English words in Japanese language, it’s not that they have a word for every English word it’s just the way they pronounce that one would never recognize unless trained!

I had this paranoid feeling that there is something wrong with the place and it’s not what it looks like but after two weeks I discovered that though it suffered from some of the Asian weaknesses related to gods, spirituality and women (in their psychological contemptuous thinking) but otherwise they are the most advanced, dedicated, detailed and work worshiping set of people on the planet today.

The cynic in me in the absence of finding anything to be cynical about turned to conspiracy theories of the supernormal kind. I believe that this place is cursed to be single minded in their approach to life and be seriously service oriented, which would explain the fact that a sweeper will use long tongs to collect cigarette butts stuck is tile cracks one by one and people in general will follow the procedures/queues for everything, the trains will be accurate to the minute and they will believe that it is their fault if they have been unable to understand you or serve you! But like everything there is a flip side, this living puts them under tremendous strain and when alcohol liberates them on Friday nights you see what pain they hide.

Gurgaon Chronicles!

2009-11-19T03:55:00.000-08:00

The thing about Gurgaon is that it doesn’t feel, taste or look like a city, town or a village. Usually there are tell-tale signs for a city or a town and they are pretty obvious. Like for example cities are large and have large cosmopolitan population, tall buildings, entertainment hubs, office and residential complexes, etc. Then there are towns which are smaller, rough looking, they also lack infrastructure support systems, and organized transport systems.

Here is a place which has imbibed the worst of both, it’s large, has office and residential complexes, entertainment centers and yet had no concept of infrastructure support systems or organized transport systems. And as fate would have it I promptly landed a 3 month stint and came over to investigate this piece of terra firma paradox. Like a regular Sherlock Holmes I tried to solve the puzzle by procrastinating on the situation, he used opium while I promptly got drunk only to realize that alcohol doesn’t heighten your mental capabilities instead just puts you to sleep, I lost some precious time in this futile endeavor. Next I decided to do a blood hound, sniffing for clues fortunately for me unlike Mumbai, Gurgaon was easier on the nose but lead nowhere as the barren wasteland smell permeates all. Then I decided to become a classic tourist and ask all the politically incorrect questions, does MG. Road stand for Mahatma Gandhi Road, does ‘Gurgaon’ stand for ‘jaggery village’, what do you do with all the molasses? Fortunately for me after all the frequent travelling I can at least choose the right people to ask the wrong questions to.

Getting nowhere was frustrating me and I was reaching the stage of straining to remember my house address in Bangalore. Taxi drivers started asking me for directions very confidently and that never augers well for a tourist, as that’s the strongest indicator that you have over stayed your welcome. Though I suspect that getting nowhere is a recurrent theme in my life, acting it was completely unacceptable so I struggled on, paid the customary 200 bucks to taxi for each drop (even for 5km ones), saw the roads act as drainage canals in minor (compared to my birth city) unseasonal rains, admired the well fed chicks, realized the differences (between ‘thekas’, ‘ahatay’ and the lack the latter) between Gurgaon and Delhi, started understanding Haryanvi a bit and learnt to tolerate Haldiram’s even. That was not all I had to also contend with a canceled vacation trip, 24 hour power-cut, changing guest house caretakers, the local obsession for ‘parathas’ for breakfast, the extremely expensive and empty malls all in the same trip and not to forget the near equal number of Cows to Theka!

Consider this, on one side I have a very illuminating stay in Gurgaon, I take weekend trips to Delhi, get home cooked food either in guest house or at friends. On the other side is the odd scene around the ladies, akin to bumping into past-lives! As if all this was not enough even a dear friend decides to live the same life by spending weekdays in Gurgaon and going back weekends almost though out my trip, talk about coincidences!

It’s almost like there is a higher purpose to these trips and the answer is eluding me and hiding just beyond my peripheral vision! Maybe the entomology of the name ‘Gurgaon’ as explained by a local has got something to do with it, “Guru-Gaon” ‘village of teachers’ or maybe more accurately ‘The learning village’…..alright, righteous baby … bring it on!

Life Series: Blog of Evolution

2009-11-13T11:00:00.000-08:00

I have been mulling this thought over for quite some time now without a resolution; are we supposed to learn something from life or just live it from day to day like a daily adventure, and I am not referring to mundane planning decisions or even the so called strategic planning that we do for career, money, family, etc. Of course one would argue that we do a lot of planning to get a right job, spouse or even getting into a Mumbai local but does the plan succeed due to our meticulous calculations or was it any ways going to happen and should we really claim planning success if got a seat to sit-in at Bandra?

Most of us stop thinking about existential issues once we come into existence and the only related question we ask ourselves is how do we manage our existence and not why. Having a philosophical bent of mind, with beliefs in occult and spirituality and being educated in science has left me sitting on a curious spiral degenerating me into a conspiracy theorist with specialization in god, destiny, fate, free will and other related oxymoron’s.

I started my life normally with the usual biases, paranoia, and dogmas, of course it’s common knowledge that dogma’s are injurious to health but so are cigarettes. I feel dogma’s have their value in our lives they are akin to fiber only that instead of regulating bowel movements they regulate mental health. If one analyzes dogma’s deeper, one realizes that it doesn’t matter what you believe in, you can always justify it as right or wrong be it minor social differences in our cultures to cannibalism! But had we not had them and had we questioned or flip-flopped on everything in life, I don’t think human civilization would have gotten anywhere!

I have off-late become more and more acutely aware of my evolution and the changes in my beliefs, I am only calling it evolution from the perspective of realizing the changes in my beliefs and not because I consider I am believing in better quality beliefs. Of course we all get caught in the daily grind starting from milk, newspaper to boss, work, vacations or the lack of it and forget all about this until the time we start going through some tough moments. But once the though phase starts, first comes despondency and then comes philosophy the order may vary but usually one follows the other; one starts questioning why me why not my ex or my boss, but once you are past that stage but hopefully still in the philosophy mode you realize that had it not been for the tough moments you would have continued your material existence and never done any thinking. Maybe its life’s way of ensuring that one actually connects with one’s own self.

I have had the strange (well at least by my standards) incidents which reminded me of my own strengths, weaknesses, mistake patterns (both monetary and relationship ones), evolution, and the tangents I have taken. I have even been thrown off track by words like mental compatibility, differing value systems, and cultural differences! So I know I am the learning type and not the bungee jumper. I know all this sounds like random gibberish but here is where I ask myself do we live our life by analyzing, understanding, and learning from its tough moments or do we think of it as just a bad stretch of road on NH8 and rough it out?

Revenge of the animal farm

2009-08-18T08:44:00.001-07:00

I tell you it’s the curse of all the edible animals or at least they are learning from the inspired chickens! Who would have thought that a lowly clucking hen would invent something that could kill a human, serves us right with all the tandoori and tikka masala. It started with the bird spread SARS, then the very creatively named bird flu, now we have swine flu may be the fish or the goats are next!

I landed a cold then a cough and then fever, which in itself is a rarity with me; considering the high maintenance personality I usually only tend to get the lifestyle diseases. So here I am with a propensity for high end diseases landing something that’s text book flu right at the time of pandemic … I actually never thought I would use the term pandemic in a real world scenario outside of business continuity planning!! But I digress, so I promptly got worried, dreamt up couple of dire scenarios, wonder if I should write a will but was not sure if they accepted a will in an email; as there was no chance even I could read what I wrote after I wrote it.

Then my sanity kicked in, all I have to do is get the guts and go to a govt. hospital for a flu screening, it was a tough call you had a potential blue/grey wheezing death on one hand and the horror of a govt hospital on the other. Then I heard something about the UK protocol and the fact that selected private hospitals were allowed to screen and even treat patients. I personally think the whole logic of govt. control on screening, testing and tablets was something that only an academically brilliant IAS officer would come up with! Anyways I found a friendly neighborhood Apollo and went over, there were about 15 people with masks waiting ahead of me, they even had a foot controlled hand sanitizer I used some and waited for my turn.

The doc looked as if he had walked out of a Hollywood Bio-disaster flick and I was suitably scared, he looked at me top to bottom and then from side to side, which didn’t take much time at all, he then asked me what was my problem duh! Told him, he looked at me in disdain, had he not been seeing hundred patients daily I guess he would had a hearty laugh; this was bad I had to impress the doc and gain some credibility so I pulled out my ace… type 2 diabetes, he perked up and asked me what my last sugar reading was, told him, the disdain came back; finally he wrote me a bunch of cure all tablets anti-biotics and 650mg monster paracetamol and asked me to wear a mask and stay home (I could do that), I brought the meds and a 3M N95 mask for a total of Rs 420 (very ironic!) at the hospital pharmacy.

I came out looking sheepish, walked up to a rikshaw who promptly asked me for 50 bucks (its 20 by the meter) and wouldn’t budge. He knew that I knew that he knew that I deserved to pay him nothing less than 50, here I was all urban with a face mask looking at a bunch of rikshawallas who had no clue what the fuss was all about. Obviously knowing what we both knew I couldn’t get into his rikshaw and decided to walk, halfway through I agreed to be fleeced by another of his kind for Rs.30 for what was by then minimum riksahw fare. Stupid Pig!

Adventures of a Rikshaw Fare

2009-08-09T13:19:00.000-07:00

I am sure every one of us well at least the ones with an IQ greater than that of a monkey or those who haven’t fried their grey cells on alcohol have wondered if there is a deeper meaning to life and/or if we have a purpose or a calling. I was wondering if my nomadic wanderings hid a higher calling that I was born to fulfill, and in one of those moments of zen it dawned on me!

I guess the zen masters were right about the shock value of learning by stumbling upon the answers of some seemingly nonsensical koans (that’s zen puzzles for the uninitiated) as I felt the same when I stumbled upon mine. It was this brilliant flash after which I just gaped dumbstruck, then i became seriously pissed; god damn it, it cannot be true!

Think about it, I travelled to and in half the large cities of North America, India, UK, Africa and Asia; if that was not all I have lived in some of these places for extended periods of time but I always seemed to move out of there before I reached anywhere! I have always wondered “what did I learn there?” apart from a smattering of local jargon, making some friends, losing a few of them (I rather like the term baggage), discovering what kind of stuff the locals are sensitive about and makes them go on bandhs (a.k.a. ‘our culture’) and some other random gibberish.

Well of course there’s the other existential stuff too like cuisine, malted and fermented beverages, the coffee and other sundry items like losing socks and having the ironers leave shine marks in damned odd places on the trousers. But if all this was more or less the same thing that I was doing across various cities from different countries then what was my true calling? What was the answer to my personal kaon: ‘why didn’t the chicken cross the road’?

The answer was so simple that I gasped:… in Mumbai rikshaw-walla wouldnt take the chiken to where she wanted him to, in Bangalore he wanted Rs.20 over the meter from her, … in Hyderabad he wanted half return at 12 noon, .. in Chennai he wanted to beat the crap out of her and in Delhi he wanted to run her over….!! So my calling, my sole existential purpose was to sample the different rikshaws, their fares, their design, their engines, the actresses pictures in them, the colors, the super dhak-chick music systems, the rides they offered and even interact/fight with the riskshaw-wallas that each city had to offer?? Unknowingly I had even aided and abetted them by selling my car so that I could get completely dependent on them, how convenient!

I am the rikshaw reviewer or tester!! I am the equivalent of the official Conde Nast reviewer only that my dominion is the ubiquitous rikshaw. Of course I struggled and haggled with them like every other Indian but how many of us got off at a restaurant or just short of last meter count where the change in the pocket runs out just so that you could always give him the exact change and not more, even at the cost of having to buy a coffee? How many of us have been consistently woken up by the nasty drone of a two-stroke tripod doing 90db on the sound pressure meter at 2am in the morning??

In the immortal words of a friend - TA ‘I forgive you god’ (the forgiver is greater than the forgiven right? J ) or maybe unknowingly I was a fallen god of the species necessara evelis myself!

Karibou Kenya

2009-07-03T07:51:00.000-07:00

Perceptions are usually entrenched so deep in us that they can become a strong deterrent for us in discovering people, places, etc, especially the negative ones. The plus side of negative perceptions though is that when they get proven wrong they can come as a very nice surprise. I imagined Africa to be a little worse than the westerner’s view of India as the land of snake charmers and elephants; I imagined it to be wild, dangerous, possibly poverty/hunger stricken, hot/humid and even arid until I reached the shores of Nairobi, Kenya.

I guess I completely forgot about it being the cradle of entire humanity and bunch of other animals; the sheer audacity of my perceptions required them to be shattered in an equally dramatic manner and Nairobi did just that! 25 degree Celsius in the day and 10-15 degree in the night, greenery in the city that puts a Bangalore of 10 years earlier to shame, friendly people and scurrying Toyota, VW, Audi, Nissans, Mercedes and BMW Sedans/SUVs. The prices of things in the city were more expensive than Mumbai and the city was cleaner, greener, with better roads and buildings like no other city in India.

The Colonial outlook and customs were evident and were still ingrained in the people in their courteousness, their food and their customs. English was second language and was easily spoken and understood. They wear suits to office everyday didn’t see no flower prints in the office though I did see some radically cut dresses in the clubs! I also saw a few instances of extreme use of suits; I witnessed a hair stylist in full suit working on a clients hair, I am not sure if he had an engagement to attend immediately after!

The country was firmly on the path of progress and had an effective law and order system, the traffic sense and behavior of people on the road was in stark contrast to the raging madness of our cities. The country boasts of natural parks which are part of the seven natural wonders where you can watch the annual migration of millions of animals from the hotels along the river at $5000 a night or drive through the miles and miles of rose and coffee plantations. One has to partake in the fruits, vegetables and meats to get a taste of they were meant to be consumed.

For the people with more conventional tastes the land is of more liberated race than ours, the women are more liberated and proud the human watering holes are the proof, the clubs are open until the wee hours of the morning and the music, women and of course the alcohol are intoxicating. One finds women here working across the industries and you would see them as easily as bouncers/guards outside the clubs to being waitress in restaurants, in usual jobs and as management in professional companies. As a country they are multi-cultural with representation from different tribal zones and various African countries themselves. If you still don’t believe me ask the Indians settled here they choose to remain here for the good life! Of course everything is not like this across the country, there is poverty, hunger and disease outside the cities, medical treatment is exorbitant but we too have these problems don’t we?

The cradle of humanity did teach me a grand lesson on perceptions, humility and our place in the world and a PYT taught me four Swahili words Habari (hi/hey/helo/how are you), Emzuri (I am good), ashante (thank you) and kribu (welcome)!

Ashante!

Encounters of the wrong kind

2009-07-01T02:53:00.000-07:00

I am still trying to get my head around the Ayurvedic massage, I mean around the concept not in the context of any physical contortion. Did Patanjali recommend it in his Ashtanga yoga or did Sushruta or Charaka mention it in their books on Ayurveda? What is the link between nasty warm herb infused nasty smelling oil being poured on you or being rubbed into you and healing? There were far too many questions and too few answers, so I took the explorers route and decided to try it out for myself.

The appointed day came and I walked into the center which was well lit up and friendly looking place with Ayurvedic powders, soaps, shampoos and oils lined neatly on shelves. I walked up to the counter not knowing what to expect, a wiry man greeted me asked me my name and made some officious looking entries in a register and asked me to step (was that a tarantula in the poem ‘won’t you step into my parlor?’) into this room with a complicated looking wooden table in its center. The room itself bore the look of having been drenched in oil while the table glistened with it. For some strange reasons the table started reminding me of medieval torture alters, but I dismissed the thought and got into the uniform (ahem .. I mean the loin cloth).

Lying motionless on the oily table with large quantities of oil on me I couldn’t but help noticing the extremely convoluted human psyche and the perverse sense of humor of our existence. Probably Freud attained enlightenment on a masseur’s table, but one can only guess who the masseur would have been in his case though. Here you are enjoying the de-stressing effect on you as the masseur works the kinks out of your body, but you are also uncomfortable with the experience all at the same time … ‘did he linger too long there’ … ‘damn can’t even move, least he thinks I am enjoying….’ … ‘this is very awkward’ …. If all of this wasn’t rattling enough I was trying not to giggle one because I am a little ticklish and two the entire irony of the situation (mine) was a little too amusing! Finally the hour was up and the masseur handed me a towel a bar of soap and pointed me to the nearest bathroom. Whew!

From a sheer scientific standpoint I feel that except for the very debatable medicinal qualities of the Ayurvedic oil used the technique itself is pretty mundane. A hot tub relaxes you to a large extent without jangling your psyche and if the kinks have not worked out yet, you can sit longer or even sip a glass of wine while in the tub. And if oil is the only difference than I know why the infamous Asian massage parlors do well, they have the oil, they have the table but minus the discomfort and awkwardness of the situation (if you catch my drift). Of course, there is a flip side to those parlors as well especially in case you have to deal with guilty conscience arising from happy endings J!.

Indians and dogs

2009-06-16T02:58:00.001-07:00

I know I am going to be unpopular after this one but someone has to call a spade a spade right? So what is it with us Indians and them dogs or more specifically pets? Apart from the ‘cho-chweet’ factor what have they got that humans don’t, a tail? The average apathetic human doesn’t care too much about his/her own species and its problems but does care for these four legged beings!

Somehow instinctively I and animals, we hate each other or at least are very ambivalent about each other purpose in life. One can argue about balance in nature, food chain mechanics etc, but wouldn’t nature have been in perfect balance without either of us? If one goes by the keep it simple stupid paradigm we know where nature stands!

I know of a family that brought a dog (a Lab for the curious types), named it horribly (sun sign of the dog!) then as the ‘cute’ pup started growing all hell broke loose in that house. All the furniture had claw and teeth marks, beds were torn, the house stank of dog, shoes had to be kept on high ground as there was real danger of them being chewed in half, the dog convinced that family that it needed an A/C, the dog had to be taken to vet for costly injections, fleas, etc, it had to be saved from older strays on wlaks and in the excess love it got fed so much that it started resembling a horse. Tell me very honestly would you tolerate so much even from your own kid? For those of you who answered yes wait there is more… the horse.. I mean the dog had to be taken on walks, it proudly chose the local bus stop as place to relieve itself and would refuse to come back home, would your kid do this? By the way how do you bring back forcibly a dog that was almost 80-100 pounds and that wanted to smell everything from the neighbor to the neighbor’s car tyre? So obviously who will walk the dog become a flash point in that house.

Let me add another dimension, in US and UK owners have to clean up after their pets, and the owners there carry garbage bags, poop scoops, and what not along with their designer pets; remember ‘Vapoorize’ from Ben Stiller and Jack Black’s movie ‘Envy’? While we in India have to suffer the ignominy of waiting at a bus stop next to dog dung.

While dogs are irritating and even frightening they at least can be trained to be well behaved, sniff coke, bombs and buried people or even help the blind as guide dogs. I must accept that they excel at this, I have actually been to one such institution in UK where the dogs were trained to be absolutely excellent guide dogs and they were so well behaved I came away impressed but then these are only certain breeds of dogs. Cats on the other hand just plain freak me out, no wonder the ancient Egyptians used them to scare whatever they were scared of and I am still not sure what other purpose they serve.

The other day I read someone saying ‘I have 1 dog, 2 cats and a fish”, what else 40 fleas?!? I can understand a westerner who has problems with relationships and lives alone and needs company, but Indians feeling lonely? Have any of these ‘cho-chweet’ people ever have to walk home in the middle of the night or very early in the morning and have a pack of usually lazy dogs look at you like a walking chicken lollipop?

I feel the ‘pet lovers’ who are I feel a subset of the real ‘animal lovers’ are a bunch of hypocrites they call themselves animal lovers, and then they buy pets bread in crazy combinations to match their personalities, they keep St. Bernards in Delhi temperatures; they have them neutered so that the pets don’t get aggressive. Be honest to yourself do we love them as animals or do we love them as customized circus acts?

I know of cultures and people in India that wring the juice out of the humans working for them but they would go about feeding stray dogs in their localities, I am not sure who are they trying to fool with their superficial generosity god or themselves? That way some Asian cultures are clear in their thought process and they just eat them, life just loves its dark ironies doesn’t it? We humans (especially Indian and Chinese) are finally realizing how badly we have bread ourselves and created this large population problem, don’t you think it’s time man’s best friend also did his bit?

Speed-breaker City

2009-06-16T02:56:00.000-07:00

Bruised undercarriages bear testimony to our continued refusal to see reason, logic or commonsense; yes a bump on the city roads slows down traffic so that they don’t speed or break rules…. Wait doesn’t it even sound ridiculous suggesting it? We in India have a tendency to approach the problem from the wrong end, the problem of traffic obedience solved by enforced back breakers!

Bangalore is probably amongst the most bump infested metro in our country, the problem is so systemic that a citizen of this city gives distance and directions by the bumps, he/she is perplexed when a junction lacks one and would probably not even notice if he/she were riding a camel and not a car. If you thought those were the only problems then you are naïve, the four-lane Bangalore – Mysore expressway has bumps, bumps have bumps, they come in duets, triads, quartets and quintets. They even have personalities, some are tiny (teeth jarring), some are soft and round (did we go over a cow?), some are as large as the wheel base of the car (elevators) and some are downright mean with vertical walls (bruisers/bouncers).

It is the classic dilemma of enforcement vs. self discipline; unfortunately it requires both, incentives for self discipline and enforcement to ensure you like the incentives. As usual we approach the problem from wrong end and instead of heavily fining traffic violators we put a bump, fines will eventually make Indians better drivers holistically but bumps will only try and contain one problem. I agree there will be corruption and you and I will pay off to get out of a larger fine but even that will ensure we avoid unnecessarily pay offs right (or are you stinking rich or a megalomaniac)? But that’s no fun when compared to surprising a driver with an unmarked bump and watching with pleasure as the car violently reacts.

What really cooks my goose is that even the bumps have a nasty sense of humor, you see a small innocuous looking bump and slow down a little you and your cocky car can easily handle this right (?) and what happens next is essentially you are ready to go into labor. Yes there are good surprises too, where you see a large bump too late and you suck in your gut and grit your teeth and you just go over the bump as if you just rose up in a dream and lightly came down. Life just has a nasty sense of humor; thank god it has one though!